How to Wash a Cat

Supplies:

• Cat shampoo and conditioner.
•  Lukewarm water
• 3 Milk jugs
• Cat treats
• Pet tape or Athletic tape
• Towels
•  Leather gauntlets
• Hauberk or preferably a full suit of plate armor
•  Helmet
•  Priest 
• Eucharist
• Holy water
• Whiskey
• Tranquilizer gun
• Cell phone

Steps:

1. Call the priest to your house. Shrive yourself and have the priest administer extreme unction. Your actual religious affiliation (or lack thereof) does not matter for this step. Priests are the only ones who know how to do exorcisms, so it is best to hedge one's bets when bathing your kitty. It doesn't hurt to ask for some novenas to be said in your memory while you're at it.
2. Dress yourself in the hauberk, helmet, and leather gauntlets or, preferably, full plate armor. Pull your visor down over your face. These things will not protect you from the cat, but they will lull you into a false sense of safety, which will be vital for what follows.
3. Fill one of the milk jugs with a mixture of shampoo and lukewarm water. The second two should be filled with only lukewarm water. This will reduce the amount of water your cat has to be in contact with, thereby increasing your likelihood of surviving the bath.
4. Grab the tranquilizer gun and some cat treats and make your way to wherever your kitty has hidden. He will already know what is coming and be fully prepared for your attempts to corral him. Try to lure the cat into a place where you can shoot him with your tranquilizer gun. 
5. Pull the tranquilizer dart out of your neck and drag the cat off of the top of the refrigerator. Take him to the bathroom, taking care to avoid the teeth and claws. You will have a small window to wash your cat before the tranquilizer takes effect. On the plus side, you will be feeling pretty good.
6. Take the pet tape out and try to wrap the cat's paws in it.
7. Untie yourself from the pet tape and pull the cat off of the shower curtain. Ask the priest to begin the rite of exorcism.
8. Damp down your kitty with the mixture of soap and warm water.
9. Pull your cat off your face.
10.  Rinse your cat off using a jug of lukewarm water.
11. Pull your cat off the ceiling.
12. Damp down your cat with conditioner and use the pet tape to fashion a makeshift tourniquet or two. Ask the priest to call 911.
13. Rinse the cat off using the remaining jug of water.
14.  Pull the cat off of the priest's face.
15. Attempt to dry the cat off with the towels. Give up and let the cat out of the bathroom.
16. Remove the shredded plate mail and drink five fingers of whiskey while waiting for the ambulance to arrive.

Lime Rickeys in the Shade

Finding boldly colored plants that thrive in shade is not easy. Indeed, those among us addicted to vivid colors would be well advised to steer clear of shade gardening as its sedate shades of green, interesting textures and subdued floral colors tend to be a bit of a disappointment. Even though it would be a fib to say I don't like color, I do tend to prefer the less assertive pleasures of the shade garden. There's something about walking out into a dew-drenched patch of ferns first thing in the morning that makes the heart open up. All that being said, I was thrilled beyond measure last week when I stumbled upon something truly bold for part shade---Heuchera "Lime Rickey."

Oh what a delight this little fellow is with its vivid lime green to yellow foliage! Looking at my back yard from the second story, Lime Rickey shines out like a beacon in the midst of some fairly unremarkable spring foliage. It does the heart good to look upon such a cheerful color this early in the season. How pleasing it will look when it is out to compete with the abundance of fall flowers remains to be seen, but I look forward to the experiment.

Now for those of you who are  interested in some of the more technical aspects of the care and feeding of Heuchera "Lime Rickey", I can heartily endorse the following resources: For those of you living in the Sycamore/DeKalb area, I recommend the good people at Blumen Gardens. Their staff are amazingly knowledgeable, and you can often run into Joel and Joan Barzac (apologies if I have misspelled the name) while shopping, and do they ever know their stuff. For those of you reading outside my area, I like Growing Perennials in Col Climates by Mike Heger, Debbie Lonnee, and John Whitman, a book chock-a-block with practical tips and information.

A Kiss to Build a Dream On: 1.3

Kemp frowned; His long, pale fingers twitched on the top of the expensive leather briefcase, and he shifted in the office chair.

"As I said earlier, Mr. Leer, I am here on a matter requiring discretion. A week ago, Mr. Thayer discovered several photographs of an intimate and compromising nature had been stolen by this individual." Kemp removed a manila file folder from his briefcase and passed it to Leer, who surveyed the contents rapidly.

"Why does Mr. Thayer think this Jossi fellow is responsible for stealing the photos?"

"Aside from my client,  Stanford Jossi is the only other person who knew of the location of the photographs. They were kept carefully hidden."

"I see," Leer said, lighting his second cigarette of the conversation.

"It is paramount to my client that these photographs be recovered and destroyed. He fears," Kemp paused, his face blanching, "You may, perhaps, be aware that Mr. Thayer is to be married next month to the socialite Gwendolin Preston, heiress to the Preston canning fortune?"

Leer hadn't been, but he nodded anyway. The buzz from his earlier drink was evaporating, replaced by a dull ache behind his temples. "It's the so what that I don't get here, Mr. Thayer. Don't deny it. It's no use."

The man who had introduced himself as Kemp started and gasped. "How? It's impossible. How did you know?"

Leer rolled his eyes. "First off, everything of mine you've touched in this office, you handled through that fancy snot rag of yours. You're pale. Too pale. Your skin hasn't seen natural sunlight in ages. David Thayer doesn't have much of a rep in this town except as a germaphobe and a shut in. You're wearing an old suit. Five, six years old. It's seen wear. That's good, convincing, but it's a custom job. Very good make, too. Saville Row tailor. Made out of fine wool. Not good. It would have set you back a pretty penny. I don't see lawyers in this town spending that much money and wearing the suit that often. Major cases. If a lawyer owned that suit, it'd look new. Wearing a suit that expensive enough to make it look worn equals money. So does the manicure. And the Italian loafers. But the real kicker was the poker face. You don't have one. So you need to start playing it strait with me. What is at stake, Mr. Thayer."

"Her family would put a stop to the union at even the breath of scandal," he whispered, "Hospitality is about reputation. The Prestons have connections with all the right people. They have the power to make the Idlewilde a national name. They could also destroy it with a word. I need this marriage, Mr. Leer."