Losing My Religion

I don't believe in God. It isn't a matter of choice. If one could have faith as a result of personal effort, I would certainly still believe in God. I have prayed, read my Bible over and over, and attended seemingly endless hours of church. I have observed fasts and celebrated feasts. I have contemplated the mysteries of faith and conversed with people for whom faith seems to come as second nature.

None of these things have helped.

And I am tired of pretending.

When I first met my husband, Robert, more years ago than I would care to admit I had been an atheist for years, albeit one conflicted about a great many issues. Things shifted in my life, and I decided to go back to the faith of my childhood. That journey turned out to be every bit as conflicted and beset by uncertainty as my journey as an atheist. After a lot of thinking, I realized that as much as I wished to the contrary, I no longer believed. And no amount of wishing can make it otherwise.

As to why I don't believe, I can only say that it's complicated. If I had to narrow it down, I would  have to attribute my loss of faith to the following:

1) Reason: Religion, even in its benign forms, kept asking me to push mine to one side in a whole host of ways from belief in the need for a scapegoat to take away my "sins" to the demand that I ignore everything I know about science because the Bible says something different. I hate to break it to you, but there's no magic that will undo my past actions. And I've dug up the fossils that prove Genesis is bunk.

2) The Problem of Evil: Most of the evil I've seen in the world can be lain squarely at the feet of humanity. Some days it seems like screwing one another over is a time honored sport. I don't need any fancy explanations about that kind of evil. Mostly we suffer because we're jerks. Period. But then there's the other bit. The kids born with serious birth defects. The terminal cancer. The good and decent people who try and fail to have children when the people two doors down abuse their children.

3) General Religious Nastiness: Homophobia, sexism, telling me my grandpa's in hell because he was Catholic, suicide bombing, financial chicanery, etc. (If you aren't hurting people, this bit doesn't apply to you. So don't get in a snit.)

I realized that what gives me solace is science and the liberal arts, neither of which require me to shut off any part of my mind, neither of which require ornate mental gymnastics to appreciate, neither of which strain my credence past the breaking point.

You will probably still see me in church fairly regularly. The relationships I have experienced within the church have been a real consolation to me. There are a lot of great human beings participating in church. You will also see me participating in most of the worship, save communion. We humans are not as fully rational as we would like to believe, and refusing to make allowances for that irrational side of my personality doesn't seem to be all that healthy.

So. There it is. For now, that's all I have to say.