How to Wash a Cat

Supplies:

• Cat shampoo and conditioner.
•  Lukewarm water
• 3 Milk jugs
• Cat treats
• Pet tape or Athletic tape
• Towels
•  Leather gauntlets
• Hauberk or preferably a full suit of plate armor
•  Helmet
•  Priest 
• Eucharist
• Holy water
• Whiskey
• Tranquilizer gun
• Cell phone

Steps:

1. Call the priest to your house. Shrive yourself and have the priest administer extreme unction. Your actual religious affiliation (or lack thereof) does not matter for this step. Priests are the only ones who know how to do exorcisms, so it is best to hedge one's bets when bathing your kitty. It doesn't hurt to ask for some novenas to be said in your memory while you're at it.
2. Dress yourself in the hauberk, helmet, and leather gauntlets or, preferably, full plate armor. Pull your visor down over your face. These things will not protect you from the cat, but they will lull you into a false sense of safety, which will be vital for what follows.
3. Fill one of the milk jugs with a mixture of shampoo and lukewarm water. The second two should be filled with only lukewarm water. This will reduce the amount of water your cat has to be in contact with, thereby increasing your likelihood of surviving the bath.
4. Grab the tranquilizer gun and some cat treats and make your way to wherever your kitty has hidden. He will already know what is coming and be fully prepared for your attempts to corral him. Try to lure the cat into a place where you can shoot him with your tranquilizer gun. 
5. Pull the tranquilizer dart out of your neck and drag the cat off of the top of the refrigerator. Take him to the bathroom, taking care to avoid the teeth and claws. You will have a small window to wash your cat before the tranquilizer takes effect. On the plus side, you will be feeling pretty good.
6. Take the pet tape out and try to wrap the cat's paws in it.
7. Untie yourself from the pet tape and pull the cat off of the shower curtain. Ask the priest to begin the rite of exorcism.
8. Damp down your kitty with the mixture of soap and warm water.
9. Pull your cat off your face.
10.  Rinse your cat off using a jug of lukewarm water.
11. Pull your cat off the ceiling.
12. Damp down your cat with conditioner and use the pet tape to fashion a makeshift tourniquet or two. Ask the priest to call 911.
13. Rinse the cat off using the remaining jug of water.
14.  Pull the cat off of the priest's face.
15. Attempt to dry the cat off with the towels. Give up and let the cat out of the bathroom.
16. Remove the shredded plate mail and drink five fingers of whiskey while waiting for the ambulance to arrive.